I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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