Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
