can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
