Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
