he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
