i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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