I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
