my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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