I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
It's shark week go big or go home
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
