Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
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