my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
