I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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