Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
My bed is full of blood and feathers
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
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