I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
