Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize