I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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