The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize