I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
