Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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