I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
