he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize