you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
