sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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