bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
