im six kinds of drunk right now
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
