broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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