Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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