I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
