yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
