No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Randomize
