I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize