just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
We left the knife in your bed.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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