Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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