so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
