It's like God shit irony all over that family
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
