if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
