I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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