So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Randomize
