last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
