i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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