I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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