A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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