If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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