Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
she pinky promised me she was 18
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Randomize
