I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
