no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
