Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
