since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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