ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
