You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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