Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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