He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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