Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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