Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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