A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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