One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
