Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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