The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
