Sacagawea was the original milf.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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