I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
